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Hello BBUer's
So, I'm back, I mean I haven't really been gone, I've been checking in here and there, but not as much as I normally do and I'm sorry for that. I feel like I've let you guys down, especially Kenny, who I feel like I've just abandoned. I don't know what I would do without you Kenny.
So, what's up with me, why wasn't I here?
Where on earth do I start?
I'll just start here...
As some of you know, I lost my father just over a year ago. Since that time, my mother has been slipping into an abyss, that was really not that noticeable at first, but as I look back, I see that it really was. She covered very well, she's crafty like that, or well... she was.
I won't go into the whole LONG story, I really will make it short, but first, let me just put this out there....
Many of you who have "known" me all these years, realize I don't share my - not Big Brother life- very freely. I've always felt that it was my job to be the gate keeper here, and the gate keeper really isn't in the position of sharing life stories. I love to read and be touched by all the life stories that have been shared here all these many years by all of you, it's what makes this place special, the closeness of this community, the out pouring of care when someone comes here to "talk" about what's happening in their lives outside of Big Brother - but sharing like that wasn't something that was for me - by me.
Truth be told, I'm like that in "in real life" too, so it's not just here that I don't share. But, apparently I'm breaking all kinds of new ground tonight - so pull up a chair and bear with me.
Short version of a really long journey over the past year....
My father passed away. His mind was sharp, his body wasn't. His heart just couldn't beat another beat. I'm okay with his death, as much as any daughter ( especially an only child ) can be okay with her father dying. He lived his life as he wanted, I am okay with his death. It's not like I have a choice. I am okay with his death.
My mother is slipping away - not physically but mentally. Her body is strong. Her mind isn't. It can't/won't work the way it's worked for so many years. She was always the one that was strong, She was the one that always cared for everyone. She was the one I could always depend on.
Now, she has to depend on me, but the funny thing is she doesn't really realize it. She's living with me now, although I'm not sure that she even realizes that, I think she thinks it's a visit and that she's going back home tomorrow ( she's not/ she can't ).
I find it hard to accept that she's not who she once was. I find it hard to understand that she doesn't understand what's happening to her. It's a blessing and a curse, all at the same time. It's almost impossible to comprehend.
Tomorrow comes and goes, she knows and she doesn't know ( blessing/curse ). Some days she's aware of who I am, some days she calls me "that girl". That I find hard to accept.
I know many of you have/are probably going through the same thing with a mom, dad, loved one - and that's one reason that I did decide to actually share.
I don't know what tomorrow brings... will I be "that girl" ... will it be a good day... she does have them... but how many of "them" does she have left? And, how do I cross that bridge when I get to it?
It's overwhelming, it's hard, it's heart breaking.
It does remind me to be thankful for the good times, to be thankful for my husband who has been thrown into this new living arrangement and is "all in" for whatever she and I need. It makes me thankful for my family. It makes me thankful for all of you - my extended family - who I know is always just a key stroke away.
I won't lie, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm exhausted.
So, that's my short version of a long story that will more than likely get worse before it gets any better. I know this, I can type it, but I find it hard to accept.
I'm on an emotional Ferris Wheel, on a Roller Coaster of ups and downs, in a Speeding Car that is out of my control. I'm really probably not equipped to handle all that is coming my way. But I will hang on, hang in, hang tight.
I take after my mother - I'm strong. I take after my father - I'm stubborn. I will handle it all. I will take what life hands to me or throws at me and I will keep all the plates spinning in the air. I will try not to drop a single one and that includes BBU.
18 years, 19 seasons, you guys are my family. I might look to you for strength, for understanding, and probably for a lot of forgiveness, but I will be here, I want to be here, I need to be here.
❤️ Lexie
Who is ready to get their Big Brother 19 on? <raises hands in the air >
So, I'm back, I mean I haven't really been gone, I've been checking in here and there, but not as much as I normally do and I'm sorry for that. I feel like I've let you guys down, especially Kenny, who I feel like I've just abandoned. I don't know what I would do without you Kenny.
So, what's up with me, why wasn't I here?
Where on earth do I start?
I'll just start here...
As some of you know, I lost my father just over a year ago. Since that time, my mother has been slipping into an abyss, that was really not that noticeable at first, but as I look back, I see that it really was. She covered very well, she's crafty like that, or well... she was.
I won't go into the whole LONG story, I really will make it short, but first, let me just put this out there....
Many of you who have "known" me all these years, realize I don't share my - not Big Brother life- very freely. I've always felt that it was my job to be the gate keeper here, and the gate keeper really isn't in the position of sharing life stories. I love to read and be touched by all the life stories that have been shared here all these many years by all of you, it's what makes this place special, the closeness of this community, the out pouring of care when someone comes here to "talk" about what's happening in their lives outside of Big Brother - but sharing like that wasn't something that was for me - by me.
Truth be told, I'm like that in "in real life" too, so it's not just here that I don't share. But, apparently I'm breaking all kinds of new ground tonight - so pull up a chair and bear with me.
Short version of a really long journey over the past year....
My father passed away. His mind was sharp, his body wasn't. His heart just couldn't beat another beat. I'm okay with his death, as much as any daughter ( especially an only child ) can be okay with her father dying. He lived his life as he wanted, I am okay with his death. It's not like I have a choice. I am okay with his death.
My mother is slipping away - not physically but mentally. Her body is strong. Her mind isn't. It can't/won't work the way it's worked for so many years. She was always the one that was strong, She was the one that always cared for everyone. She was the one I could always depend on.
Now, she has to depend on me, but the funny thing is she doesn't really realize it. She's living with me now, although I'm not sure that she even realizes that, I think she thinks it's a visit and that she's going back home tomorrow ( she's not/ she can't ).
I find it hard to accept that she's not who she once was. I find it hard to understand that she doesn't understand what's happening to her. It's a blessing and a curse, all at the same time. It's almost impossible to comprehend.
Tomorrow comes and goes, she knows and she doesn't know ( blessing/curse ). Some days she's aware of who I am, some days she calls me "that girl". That I find hard to accept.
I know many of you have/are probably going through the same thing with a mom, dad, loved one - and that's one reason that I did decide to actually share.
I don't know what tomorrow brings... will I be "that girl" ... will it be a good day... she does have them... but how many of "them" does she have left? And, how do I cross that bridge when I get to it?
It's overwhelming, it's hard, it's heart breaking.
It does remind me to be thankful for the good times, to be thankful for my husband who has been thrown into this new living arrangement and is "all in" for whatever she and I need. It makes me thankful for my family. It makes me thankful for all of you - my extended family - who I know is always just a key stroke away.
I won't lie, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm exhausted.
So, that's my short version of a long story that will more than likely get worse before it gets any better. I know this, I can type it, but I find it hard to accept.
I'm on an emotional Ferris Wheel, on a Roller Coaster of ups and downs, in a Speeding Car that is out of my control. I'm really probably not equipped to handle all that is coming my way. But I will hang on, hang in, hang tight.
I take after my mother - I'm strong. I take after my father - I'm stubborn. I will handle it all. I will take what life hands to me or throws at me and I will keep all the plates spinning in the air. I will try not to drop a single one and that includes BBU.
18 years, 19 seasons, you guys are my family. I might look to you for strength, for understanding, and probably for a lot of forgiveness, but I will be here, I want to be here, I need to be here.
❤️ Lexie
Who is ready to get their Big Brother 19 on? <raises hands in the air >
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