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I'm baaack ...

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  • I'm baaack ...

    Hello BBUer's

    So, I'm back, I mean I haven't really been gone, I've been checking in here and there, but not as much as I normally do and I'm sorry for that. I feel like I've let you guys down, especially Kenny, who I feel like I've just abandoned. I don't know what I would do without you Kenny.

    So, what's up with me, why wasn't I here?

    Where on earth do I start?

    I'll just start here...

    As some of you know, I lost my father just over a year ago. Since that time, my mother has been slipping into an abyss, that was really not that noticeable at first, but as I look back, I see that it really was. She covered very well, she's crafty like that, or well... she was.

    I won't go into the whole LONG story, I really will make it short, but first, let me just put this out there....

    Many of you who have "known" me all these years, realize I don't share my - not Big Brother life- very freely. I've always felt that it was my job to be the gate keeper here, and the gate keeper really isn't in the position of sharing life stories. I love to read and be touched by all the life stories that have been shared here all these many years by all of you, it's what makes this place special, the closeness of this community, the out pouring of care when someone comes here to "talk" about what's happening in their lives outside of Big Brother - but sharing like that wasn't something that was for me - by me.

    Truth be told, I'm like that in "in real life" too, so it's not just here that I don't share. But, apparently I'm breaking all kinds of new ground tonight - so pull up a chair and bear with me.

    Short version of a really long journey over the past year....

    My father passed away. His mind was sharp, his body wasn't. His heart just couldn't beat another beat. I'm okay with his death, as much as any daughter ( especially an only child ) can be okay with her father dying. He lived his life as he wanted, I am okay with his death. It's not like I have a choice. I am okay with his death.

    My mother is slipping away - not physically but mentally. Her body is strong. Her mind isn't. It can't/won't work the way it's worked for so many years. She was always the one that was strong, She was the one that always cared for everyone. She was the one I could always depend on.

    Now, she has to depend on me, but the funny thing is she doesn't really realize it. She's living with me now, although I'm not sure that she even realizes that, I think she thinks it's a visit and that she's going back home tomorrow ( she's not/ she can't ).

    I find it hard to accept that she's not who she once was. I find it hard to understand that she doesn't understand what's happening to her. It's a blessing and a curse, all at the same time. It's almost impossible to comprehend.

    Tomorrow comes and goes, she knows and she doesn't know ( blessing/curse ). Some days she's aware of who I am, some days she calls me "that girl". That I find hard to accept.

    I know many of you have/are probably going through the same thing with a mom, dad, loved one - and that's one reason that I did decide to actually share.

    I don't know what tomorrow brings... will I be "that girl" ... will it be a good day... she does have them... but how many of "them" does she have left? And, how do I cross that bridge when I get to it?

    It's overwhelming, it's hard, it's heart breaking.

    It does remind me to be thankful for the good times, to be thankful for my husband who has been thrown into this new living arrangement and is "all in" for whatever she and I need. It makes me thankful for my family. It makes me thankful for all of you - my extended family - who I know is always just a key stroke away.

    I won't lie, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm exhausted.

    So, that's my short version of a long story that will more than likely get worse before it gets any better. I know this, I can type it, but I find it hard to accept.

    I'm on an emotional Ferris Wheel, on a Roller Coaster of ups and downs, in a Speeding Car that is out of my control. I'm really probably not equipped to handle all that is coming my way. But I will hang on, hang in, hang tight.

    I take after my mother - I'm strong. I take after my father - I'm stubborn. I will handle it all. I will take what life hands to me or throws at me and I will keep all the plates spinning in the air. I will try not to drop a single one and that includes BBU.

    18 years, 19 seasons, you guys are my family. I might look to you for strength, for understanding, and probably for a lot of forgiveness, but I will be here, I want to be here, I need to be here.

    ❤️ Lexie

    Who is ready to get their Big Brother 19 on? <raises hands in the air >

  • #2
    I'm so sorry to hear about your parents Lexi. One of my very closest friends is going through the exact same thing, only the genders swapped. Her mother was sharp as a tack, but her body just couldn't keep up and she passed last year at Easter. Her father is healthy as a horse, but his mind is gone and he doesn't know who his children are most days, but he seems to be happy as a clam and they do everything they can to be sure he's comfortable and he feels safe, even if he doesn't know who/where he is.
    I watched my grandmother go through the same thing about 10 years ago, I picked her up every Sunday and took her to lunch, then bowling when she was still able and to my Aunt's to play dominoes when she couldn't bowl any more. It's so hard to watch someone deteriorate mentally when their body is still so strong. I wish you all the strength and love in the world, it's going to be a tough road for a while longer, but you'll be happy & thankful you got to spend this time with your mother, even if she isn't "there" all the time.

    On a lighter note, I am so ready for this season of BB! You guys have been amazing to spend my summers with and I'm sure this one is going to be just as awesome as usual!


    • #3
      So sorry to hear you're going through all this, Lexie. I haven't had to deal with that kind of situation that you're going through with your mom (yet) though I feel my dad's mind is starting to get worse. You explained everything so well. I don't want to make this about me but, as I think you already know, I do know about the emotional Ferris Wheel, roller coaster of ups and downs and the speeding car out of control. All I can tell you is to stay strong and take things day by day. I hope that things get better for you as time goes on. Don't forget to take some "me" time, even if it's only for a short time. Unfortunately you're in a position where you HAVE to be able to stay strong mentally and physically for everybody else (your mom & kids) and you can't /won't be able to do that without some down time for yourself. I know it's hard for you because you're an only child but don't be afraid to ask for help from friends or other relatives if/when possible. Wishing peace and all the best for you. Take care my friend!


      • #4
        Lexie, I am so sorry for all you are going through. Life can be rough sometimes. Kenny is so right, try to take one day at a time. That sounds easy but it is hard not to get ahead of today. He is also right about taking some "me" time. That is one thing I failed to do through my ups and downs with family illness. We are all here for you if you need to vent. I do not think you realize how important you are to all of us at BBU and how much we appreciate how hard you work to give us this place for our love of BB.

        Not sure how invested I am going to be in BB this year but am looking forward to meeting the new (I hope all new) house guest.


        • #5
          Oh, Lexie, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I understand as I lost my father a few years ago to this terrible condition. I watched as he became a shadow of the man I had known, who was my hero and my mentor, who inspired me, who was always the strong and wise one. I spent as much time as possible with him - which wasn't easy as we were separated by 800 miles. There were times that black cloud overtook him and he was nowhere to be found. But I lived for those rare moments that he was lucid and he knew me and we could rejoice together, no matter if it was only mere seconds or days. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you venture forth in this journey with your mother.

          And, please, do remember to take time for yourself. Caregiver burnout is real. Take your ME time!

          Looking forward to the new season to begin!​​​​​​​


          • #6
            Hey Lexie. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Yes, take time for yourself when you can and enjoy the time with your mother. I found with my grandfather and now with my mom that at times the moments together seemed so precious and sweet. Hold them in your heart. With my grandfather I was always "That girl from Texas". I was always surprised that he could remember that piece of info.

            I am ready to roll with Big Brother. I am really looking forward to it. I'm starting to wonder if they will bring any vets back, particularly with this whole most memorable HGs poll going on.


            • #7
              Thanks everyone. I appreciate those of you who have had to travel this particularly rough road sharing your experience and words of wisdom with me. I also appreciate your invitation to vent to you, if and when I need. Thank you for being here, not only for Big Brother, but for being here for all of us who are reaching out, looking for a connection, looking for a space to express what we sometimes couldn't any where else.


              • #8
                Lexie, I echo all. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your mother and family.


                • #9
                  Lexie We are always here to listen. Try to take some time for yourself once in a while.


                  • #10
                    Lexi, so sorry. I've been there. You probably won't take time for yourself but try.


                    • #11
                      Lexi, the opportunity to vent and know we'll be supported by the wonderful family here at BBU is, to a large degree, due to your hard work. You've helped build this resource, use it. This is a place where you can let it all hang out and know that many people have been through something similar and will (digitally) hold your hand or offer you a shoulder on which to cry if you need it.

                      I find it amazing how people from all over the country--and Canada--can all come together from June-September in what feels like a long family reunion. (Yes, some are here year round, but I can only manage it during the summer months when I'm not buried by teacher stuff.) We spend the first few weeks catching up, sharing good news and bad, celebrating, encouraging, supporting and consoling each other. Then we say our goodbyes in September. It is a strange and wonderful place. Thank you and all those who put in the time to keep this place running.


                      • #12
                        Lexie. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You and your family will be in my prayers. Appreciate every minute you get to spend with your mom but please remember to take care of yourself also.


                        • #13
                          It means so much to come here to read your encouraging and understanding posts. I truly appreciate all of you so much!


                          • #14
                            ((((((((((Lexie)))))))))))) My heart hurts for you....I will pray every day for your mom, your family, and especially for you. I've been AWOL and missed a lot, but I'm one of the many who are here for you. ❤️


                            • #15
                              Just checking in for the summer. Sorry to hear of your struggle and praying for you and mom.


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